Bittersweet. We use this word to articulate how we feel about situations in which we lose something good but gain something good in return. It sums up the way our upcoming move has been talked about with friends and family and acquaintances. This past week, as I took a moment to examine how I was feeling, I had to be honest that I’m mostly feeling the bitter part right now and having to live with a lot of faith that the sweet will come. Allow me to elaborate.
Every week we drop our kids at Sunday School and they’re greeted by the teachers who love them and know them. They get hugs and smiles and they go in and come out beaming. It feels extremely bitter to leave that behind. I know the sweet will eventually come. They will meet new people who love them and pour into them, but I don’t know these people yet. I’m having faith that God will bring them along.
We know English well. We can order food and explain to the mechanic what is wrong with our car and ask for help locating something in the grocery store. It’s bitter to leave that behind. I know the sweet will eventually come. God will equip us with a new language and it will become easier, but right now we don’t have that.
I love our family doctor. Our kids know and love him and I trust him. It’s bitter to leave that behind. I know the sweet with come. God will give us a new family doctor like he did in Montana and then here in Washington, but right now I don’t have that.
These are just a few examples of things that we are leaving behind - along with our car, our home, our routines, our gym, our favorite parks, our places to grocery shop, etc.. Right now, it feels like the scales are tipped significantly in the area of leaving and losing. So what is it that balances the scales enough to be able to honestly answer “I’m excited” when someone asks how I feel? Faith. Right now, I have absolutely nothing tangible on the “sweet” side of the bittersweet scale but faith alone. But faith is enough, because God has proven himself faithful time after time in our lives. He has provided in all aspects of our lives without fail and that enables us to step almost blindly into a new life.
Full transparency… sometimes that faith feels shaky in the shadow of all the unknown. One of the things I’ve been learning to be okay with is that faith doesn’t mean that I feel completely confident in the situation in front of me. Rather, faith means that I feel completely confident in God’s ability to sustain me and my family in any situation. This week, pressing into faith has looked like being honest with the fact that, in some moments, I feel terrified but rather than remain terrified I make a mental list of all the times God has come through. I list the people he has given me to love and trust, I list the unexpected turns he’s taken us in that led us to where we are, I list the ways he’s given us discernment on how to be the best parents, and on and on. Right now, faith for me means being able to sit in the midst of the bitter part of the bittersweet with full expectancy that the sweet is sure to come.
-CB